I'm an introvert. That may come as a surprise to some, but trust me, it's true. On the Myers-Briggs personality test, I'm about as far towards the I end of the scale as you can possibly be.¹ Some of that probably has to do with my educational background - being homeschooled can certainly foster isolationist tendencies² - but personality type is at least partly inherent. Whether it's more nature or nurture is beside the point; what matters is that I get my energy from being alone. I love spending time with friends, but I can only be around even my closest of friends for so long before I need to withdraw and recharge by myself.
One of my favorite pastimes - thanks again, at least in part, to my years being homeschooled - is reading.³ I've discovered that in order for me to be a well adjusted, fully-functional member of society, I need to spend a significant amount of time each week reading. Not only that, but the more diverse the range of material I'm reading from, the better.
This past week I've been on a bit of a reading binge.⁴ One of the buried beauties during this time of exile from Latvia has been the opportunity it's afforded me to rekindle some integral disciplines that I've mistakenly sacrificed at the altar of the urgent during this past year. Reading, running, writing, solitude, long nighttime walks to think and pray, community, celebration, interpretive dance,⁵ fasting... these are all things that I've discovered are essential to a healthy and full life for me.
One discipline that's kept cropping up during my recent spate of reading has been that of solitude. Now, you'd think that being the introverted, bookish homeschooler that I am, that solitude would be a very easy discipline to practice, right?
Wrong.
In actuality, I'm rubbish at it. Which has been an oddly painful discovery, because I always sort of assumed it was something I should - and could - excel at.
See, here's the problem: there's a deep ocean of difference between being alone and being in solitude. Plenty of people spend plenty of time alone.⁶ But to be in solitude requires stepping away from both the external and internal world. And as an introvert, trying to quiet my internal world enough to allow time and space for the Lord to speak is like trying to find the right analogy to finish this sentence; difficult, and emotionally and mentally taxing, but worth the time and effort when you finally find what you're looking for.⁷
I spent most of today in solitude. I knew I needed it, both from internal notifiers (restless spirit, uncategorized thoughts and ideas, etc.) and external (readings this past week which have re-reminded me of the essential nature of solitude). Experience has taught me that I have to cut off all contact with the outside world - no phone, iPod, internet, etc. - if the time is to be at all productive and meaningful.
I hate being out of touch with the world: what if someone needs me? What if I get an important email that needs an instant response? What if someone posts something wrong on the internet that needs a prompt rebuttal? What if... well, you get the point. Even as an introvert with a capital I, I'm every bit as susceptible as the rest of humanity to the trap of being well connected but poorly grounded thanks to the onslaught of communication opportunities we have at our pinch-and-swipe fingertips. Henri Nouwen describes the sensations as thus:
“To bring some solitude into our lives is one of the most necessary but also most difficult disciplines. Even though we may have a deep desire for real solitude, we also experience a certain apprehension as we approach that solitary place and time. As soon as we are alone, without people to talk with, books to read, TV to watch, or phone calls to make, an inner chaos opens up in us. This chaos can be so disturbing and so confusing that we can hardly wait to get busy again. Entering a private room and shutting the door, therefore, does not mean that we immediately shut out all our inner doubts, anxieties, fears, bad memories, unresolved conflicts, angry feelings, and impulsive desires. On the contrary, when we have removed our outer distractions, we often find that our inner distractions manifest themselves to us in full force. We often use the outer distractions to shield ourselves from the interior noises. It is thus not surprising that we have a difficult time being alone. The confrontation with our inner conflicts can be too painful for us to endure.” ⁸
Here's a funny thing about solitude: making space and time for God means you might hear from him. But it doesn't guarantee it. And even if you do hear from him, it might not be in the way you would have expected. It's not an equation; it's an opportunity.
I didn't get any grand words or thoughts or insights today. On the contrary, as is usually the case, I feel like I'm exiting this time with more questions than answers. Which is no complaint. But I do somehow feel more grounded, and strangely fulfilled, as a result of the time spent.
True solitude never isolates; it always connects you more deeply to the world. It doesn't empty your mind and your soul; instead, it fills you in such a way that you have something worthwhile to offer.
Solitude seems, to my untrained eye, to be a very passive discipline. But in reality, I'm not sure there's a better way to have an impact on the world than to occasionally withdraw from it. The real question is whether I believe that enough to do it; one day does not make a discipline.⁹
¹I'm an INFJ overall, in case you're a MBTI junky. Quite the bizarre combination, which helps explain - in part - why I'm such a bizarre person.
²My favorite homeschool joke:
Q: What did the homeschooled kid say to the public school kid?
A: Nothing
³Sad-but-true supporting fact: I was the only kid in my neighborhood who got reading privileges taken away from them as a form of punishment. Multiple times.
⁴Tomes of note, either started, finished or in-progress: Cloud Atlas (fantastic), Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership (very timely, very good), The Brothers Karamazov (incredible book, but not the easiest of reads; been working on it for a while now), The Latvians: A Short History (history, yes; academic in nature, yes; short, definitely not), Consider the Lobster: And Other Essays (DFW could write about sand, and it'd be fascinating and painfully self-aware), and Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture (one of the best books I've read all year).
⁵Kidding.
⁶A little known fact: the loneliest places in the world are in the middle of an anonymous and unknown crowd. Ever been on a packed bus/subway/train during rush hour? There are few lonelier experiences than traveling by yourself amidst a horde of strangers staring at silver screens.
⁷I gave up at trying to finding the right analogy. Insert your own as you see fit.
⁸Excerpt from Making All Things New, by Henri Nouwen
⁹"Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it." (James 4:17). Uh-oh.
One of my favorite pastimes - thanks again, at least in part, to my years being homeschooled - is reading.³ I've discovered that in order for me to be a well adjusted, fully-functional member of society, I need to spend a significant amount of time each week reading. Not only that, but the more diverse the range of material I'm reading from, the better.
This past week I've been on a bit of a reading binge.⁴ One of the buried beauties during this time of exile from Latvia has been the opportunity it's afforded me to rekindle some integral disciplines that I've mistakenly sacrificed at the altar of the urgent during this past year. Reading, running, writing, solitude, long nighttime walks to think and pray, community, celebration, interpretive dance,⁵ fasting... these are all things that I've discovered are essential to a healthy and full life for me.
One discipline that's kept cropping up during my recent spate of reading has been that of solitude. Now, you'd think that being the introverted, bookish homeschooler that I am, that solitude would be a very easy discipline to practice, right?
Wrong.
In actuality, I'm rubbish at it. Which has been an oddly painful discovery, because I always sort of assumed it was something I should - and could - excel at.
See, here's the problem: there's a deep ocean of difference between being alone and being in solitude. Plenty of people spend plenty of time alone.⁶ But to be in solitude requires stepping away from both the external and internal world. And as an introvert, trying to quiet my internal world enough to allow time and space for the Lord to speak is like trying to find the right analogy to finish this sentence; difficult, and emotionally and mentally taxing, but worth the time and effort when you finally find what you're looking for.⁷
I spent most of today in solitude. I knew I needed it, both from internal notifiers (restless spirit, uncategorized thoughts and ideas, etc.) and external (readings this past week which have re-reminded me of the essential nature of solitude). Experience has taught me that I have to cut off all contact with the outside world - no phone, iPod, internet, etc. - if the time is to be at all productive and meaningful.
I hate being out of touch with the world: what if someone needs me? What if I get an important email that needs an instant response? What if someone posts something wrong on the internet that needs a prompt rebuttal? What if... well, you get the point. Even as an introvert with a capital I, I'm every bit as susceptible as the rest of humanity to the trap of being well connected but poorly grounded thanks to the onslaught of communication opportunities we have at our pinch-and-swipe fingertips. Henri Nouwen describes the sensations as thus:
“To bring some solitude into our lives is one of the most necessary but also most difficult disciplines. Even though we may have a deep desire for real solitude, we also experience a certain apprehension as we approach that solitary place and time. As soon as we are alone, without people to talk with, books to read, TV to watch, or phone calls to make, an inner chaos opens up in us. This chaos can be so disturbing and so confusing that we can hardly wait to get busy again. Entering a private room and shutting the door, therefore, does not mean that we immediately shut out all our inner doubts, anxieties, fears, bad memories, unresolved conflicts, angry feelings, and impulsive desires. On the contrary, when we have removed our outer distractions, we often find that our inner distractions manifest themselves to us in full force. We often use the outer distractions to shield ourselves from the interior noises. It is thus not surprising that we have a difficult time being alone. The confrontation with our inner conflicts can be too painful for us to endure.” ⁸
Here's a funny thing about solitude: making space and time for God means you might hear from him. But it doesn't guarantee it. And even if you do hear from him, it might not be in the way you would have expected. It's not an equation; it's an opportunity.
I didn't get any grand words or thoughts or insights today. On the contrary, as is usually the case, I feel like I'm exiting this time with more questions than answers. Which is no complaint. But I do somehow feel more grounded, and strangely fulfilled, as a result of the time spent.
True solitude never isolates; it always connects you more deeply to the world. It doesn't empty your mind and your soul; instead, it fills you in such a way that you have something worthwhile to offer.
Solitude seems, to my untrained eye, to be a very passive discipline. But in reality, I'm not sure there's a better way to have an impact on the world than to occasionally withdraw from it. The real question is whether I believe that enough to do it; one day does not make a discipline.⁹
¹I'm an INFJ overall, in case you're a MBTI junky. Quite the bizarre combination, which helps explain - in part - why I'm such a bizarre person.
²My favorite homeschool joke:
Q: What did the homeschooled kid say to the public school kid?
A: Nothing
³Sad-but-true supporting fact: I was the only kid in my neighborhood who got reading privileges taken away from them as a form of punishment. Multiple times.
⁴Tomes of note, either started, finished or in-progress: Cloud Atlas (fantastic), Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership (very timely, very good), The Brothers Karamazov (incredible book, but not the easiest of reads; been working on it for a while now), The Latvians: A Short History (history, yes; academic in nature, yes; short, definitely not), Consider the Lobster: And Other Essays (DFW could write about sand, and it'd be fascinating and painfully self-aware), and Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture (one of the best books I've read all year).
⁵Kidding.
⁶A little known fact: the loneliest places in the world are in the middle of an anonymous and unknown crowd. Ever been on a packed bus/subway/train during rush hour? There are few lonelier experiences than traveling by yourself amidst a horde of strangers staring at silver screens.
⁷I gave up at trying to finding the right analogy. Insert your own as you see fit.
⁸Excerpt from Making All Things New, by Henri Nouwen
⁹"Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it." (James 4:17). Uh-oh.