So, it's Friday.
Still no residence permit.
*sigh.*
No one at the embassy will answer my phone calls or reply to my emails.¹ This is simply ludicrous. I'm at a loss for how to even proceed, and perhaps even more worryingly, I'm veering dangerously close to the "I just don't give a damn anymore" side of the road.
Look, I know this is hardly the end of the world.² I know that once this all gets sorted out - maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next month, maybe whenever - I'll look back on this as a minor hiccup in the overall scope of my ministry and studies. I'll see how essential this extended time in England was for the development of some spiritual depth and insight. The ridiculousness of the situation will go from gut-punch to punch line.
That will all happen. Eventually. I know that. I've been down enough strangely similar roads in the past to know how journeys like this usually end.
But right now - today, tonight, this moment - it's incredibly discouraging and frustrating. I don't yet understand the how's and why's, and this delay strikes me as incredibly unnecessary and inopportune. I'm tired of living out of a suitcase, weary of waiting, and sick of being stuck in a seemingly never-ending swirl of uncertainty.
What makes all of this all the more difficult is the fact that I am aware of how blessed I am in the middle of an otherwise unenviable situation. Getting to spend a couple months in England, being dropped into a familiar community of close friends and co-labourers,³ having so many friends and family supporting me through this process with their prayers and support, fed and clothed and sheltered and loved and healthy and... well, you get the point. The list goes on.
Compared to what many others are enduring, this is nothing. But to me - in my life, in my world, in my conscious reality - right now, this is just plan awful. I'd like to pretend that it's not. I'd like to be able to say that this hasn't gotten me down, that it's no big deal, that it'll be all right and God will work everything out and hooray, I'm in the centre of His will, where else would I rather be?
Well, Riga, for starters...
The worst part of all is I know that this time of disillusionment and frustration will probably be short lived. I might even wake up tomorrow morning to a new awareness and thankfulness for some hidden beauty within my current predicament. I'd prefer, though, to let the bitter taste of frustration and anger linger for a while, giving me cause to shout my grievances to the night sky and hold God on trial for all the injustice He's allowed me to endure. I want to remain in this state of disappointment and disillusionment, but I know it will be short lived. It sounds sad, petulant and incredibly immature, but those feelings are all very true.
Which is why I'm taking this verbal snapshot. It's more for me than for you.⁴
I need to be able to look back and remember the dark, the down, and the depressing in order to fully appreciate the beauty of that which may be ahead.
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.⁵
I'm a optimistic realist. I hope for the best, and expect to have those hopes dashed. So this is no surprise that things aren't working out the way I'd have hoped - having to leave Latvia, getting stuck in England while waiting for some paperwork, having my application processing take longer than promised, etc. - but I must keep allowing myself to hope, in spite of those hopes continually seeming to be unmet.
After all, worse things than "not getting a residence permit"have happened on a Friday before.⁶ And in that case, the worst thing ended up turning into the best thing just a couple days later.
Sunday morning is never fully appreciated without a Friday night.
¹My tone in my email correspondence over the course of the week has transitioned from including lines such as "I know that a result isn't due until this Friday, but I just wanted to ensure that there hadn't been a decision returned to you early by any chance. Please let me know if so. Thanks!" (Monday) to "I'm not sure whether to find your lack of communication amusing or insulting, but I'm leaning towards the latter." (yesterday)
²Although, it is 2012 after all...
³British spelling used here in recognition and honour of my many friends here in England. Also, because the U key gets lonely when I'm not in the UK.
⁴No offense.
⁵From Psalm 42 and 43
⁶See Mark 15
Still no residence permit.
*sigh.*
No one at the embassy will answer my phone calls or reply to my emails.¹ This is simply ludicrous. I'm at a loss for how to even proceed, and perhaps even more worryingly, I'm veering dangerously close to the "I just don't give a damn anymore" side of the road.
Look, I know this is hardly the end of the world.² I know that once this all gets sorted out - maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next month, maybe whenever - I'll look back on this as a minor hiccup in the overall scope of my ministry and studies. I'll see how essential this extended time in England was for the development of some spiritual depth and insight. The ridiculousness of the situation will go from gut-punch to punch line.
That will all happen. Eventually. I know that. I've been down enough strangely similar roads in the past to know how journeys like this usually end.
But right now - today, tonight, this moment - it's incredibly discouraging and frustrating. I don't yet understand the how's and why's, and this delay strikes me as incredibly unnecessary and inopportune. I'm tired of living out of a suitcase, weary of waiting, and sick of being stuck in a seemingly never-ending swirl of uncertainty.
What makes all of this all the more difficult is the fact that I am aware of how blessed I am in the middle of an otherwise unenviable situation. Getting to spend a couple months in England, being dropped into a familiar community of close friends and co-labourers,³ having so many friends and family supporting me through this process with their prayers and support, fed and clothed and sheltered and loved and healthy and... well, you get the point. The list goes on.
Compared to what many others are enduring, this is nothing. But to me - in my life, in my world, in my conscious reality - right now, this is just plan awful. I'd like to pretend that it's not. I'd like to be able to say that this hasn't gotten me down, that it's no big deal, that it'll be all right and God will work everything out and hooray, I'm in the centre of His will, where else would I rather be?
Well, Riga, for starters...
The worst part of all is I know that this time of disillusionment and frustration will probably be short lived. I might even wake up tomorrow morning to a new awareness and thankfulness for some hidden beauty within my current predicament. I'd prefer, though, to let the bitter taste of frustration and anger linger for a while, giving me cause to shout my grievances to the night sky and hold God on trial for all the injustice He's allowed me to endure. I want to remain in this state of disappointment and disillusionment, but I know it will be short lived. It sounds sad, petulant and incredibly immature, but those feelings are all very true.
Which is why I'm taking this verbal snapshot. It's more for me than for you.⁴
I need to be able to look back and remember the dark, the down, and the depressing in order to fully appreciate the beauty of that which may be ahead.
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.⁵
I'm a optimistic realist. I hope for the best, and expect to have those hopes dashed. So this is no surprise that things aren't working out the way I'd have hoped - having to leave Latvia, getting stuck in England while waiting for some paperwork, having my application processing take longer than promised, etc. - but I must keep allowing myself to hope, in spite of those hopes continually seeming to be unmet.
After all, worse things than "not getting a residence permit"have happened on a Friday before.⁶ And in that case, the worst thing ended up turning into the best thing just a couple days later.
Sunday morning is never fully appreciated without a Friday night.
¹My tone in my email correspondence over the course of the week has transitioned from including lines such as "I know that a result isn't due until this Friday, but I just wanted to ensure that there hadn't been a decision returned to you early by any chance. Please let me know if so. Thanks!" (Monday) to "I'm not sure whether to find your lack of communication amusing or insulting, but I'm leaning towards the latter." (yesterday)
²Although, it is 2012 after all...
³British spelling used here in recognition and honour of my many friends here in England. Also, because the U key gets lonely when I'm not in the UK.
⁴No offense.
⁵From Psalm 42 and 43
⁶See Mark 15