There are several questions that I get asked on a regular occasion. They're great questions, too, but it's rare that I have a great reply ready to go.
So, I'll be answering some common questions over the upcoming weeks. This is as much for me as it is for you; not only only do I want to give answers to your questions, but I've also started to realize that sometimes I'm asking the very same questions of myself...
"Do you ever get lonely?"
Of course. All the time.¹
Loneliness is a funny thing. Most people go to great lengths to try and avoid it, to dull its sharp edges and even to find ways of pretending that it doesn't exist. But be sure of this: even in the fullest and most connected of lives, there is room for loneliness to live.
"[L]oneliness often has nothing to do with being alone. For some people, feelings of isolation are sharpest during times that are in fact defined by togetherness — celebrations or the holidays, for instance. Walk into a bustling shopping mall or a buzzing holiday party this time of year, and even within a crowd — or perhaps especially in a crowd — it's possible to feel unbearably alone."²
Of course, living in a foreign country is an excellent way to become exceptionally aware of how lonely you are. Separated by both language and culture from everyone and everything around you, it's possible to feel loneliness in deeper and rawer ways. But I've discovered that the loneliness I've experienced when living overseas didn't just appear ex nihilo; it was sitting there all along, waiting to be discovered.
The roots of my dissatisfaction, of my feelings of loneliness and isolation, are not found in a lack of people, or in foreign languages or cultures or countries, in being single or married or in a church or small group or sitting alone in a room by myself. My loneliness inevitably arises from both a discontent with self and - here's where it gets really scary - a discontent with God.
As humans, we're wired for community and fellowship And more often than not, God chooses to meet our needs for connection and companionship through other people. But if I try and use other people to fill my needs, I end up doing just that:
Using people.
"When our loneliness drives us away from ourselves into the arms of our companions in life, we are, in fact, driving ourselves into excruciating relationships, tiring friendships and suffocating embraces. To wait for moments or places where no pain exists, no separation is felt and where all human restlessness has turned into inner peace is waiting for a dream-world. No friend or lover, no husband or wife, no community or commune will be able to put to rest our deepest cravings for unity and wholeness."³
I crave connection, intimacy, relationship. But if I'm not finding those things first in God, then I risk using others to fill those needs in ways that are ultimately harmful to both myself and to them. Or, in failing to use other people, I can easily use other things instead. Computers, phones, food, exercise, books, games, and videos are but a small sample of the many ways we try to fill the infinite void with finite things.
Ironically, the best antidote I've discovered⁴ for loneliness is solitude. In learning to be in solitude, with my self and with God, I then have the opportunity to interact with the people I'm with in richer and more meaningful ways. And even if I'm surrounded by people I know and love - as I am, often, both here in Latvia and also in the U.S. - but haven't made time to be with my self and with God, I can quickly succumb to feelings of isolation. Bitterness. Frustration. Annoyance. And of course, loneliness.
Solitude is devoid of loneliness, and frees me to be truly with others around me in ways I otherwise never could.
So yes: I do get lonely. And I'm definitely more aware of those feelings while living overseas than I am at home. But that's not entirely a bad thing, as it's pushed me to find my source of connection and contentment in solitude, rather than in my surroundings. My prayer is that my increased awareness of the loneliness which lurks within will prompt me to scratch that itch with solitude, and not to try and use other people, places, or things to fill a need which is aching to be met by God.⁵
¹Before you get too worried and concerned about my overall well-being: I'm ok. Really, I am. But if you still feel concerned, please send me cookies.
²From Time.com; full article here
³From Reaching Out, by Henri Nouwen. If you've never read anything by Henri Nouwen, please stop reading this and find something - anything - of his and read it. Your life will be better for it.
⁴To say I "discovered" solitude as an antidote it is sort of like saying Columbus "discovered" America. I knew it existed because I heard about it from others, but then I've found it to be true for myself as well.
⁵Who, ironically, often does so through people, places and things.
So, I'll be answering some common questions over the upcoming weeks. This is as much for me as it is for you; not only only do I want to give answers to your questions, but I've also started to realize that sometimes I'm asking the very same questions of myself...
"Do you ever get lonely?"
Of course. All the time.¹
Loneliness is a funny thing. Most people go to great lengths to try and avoid it, to dull its sharp edges and even to find ways of pretending that it doesn't exist. But be sure of this: even in the fullest and most connected of lives, there is room for loneliness to live.
"[L]oneliness often has nothing to do with being alone. For some people, feelings of isolation are sharpest during times that are in fact defined by togetherness — celebrations or the holidays, for instance. Walk into a bustling shopping mall or a buzzing holiday party this time of year, and even within a crowd — or perhaps especially in a crowd — it's possible to feel unbearably alone."²
Of course, living in a foreign country is an excellent way to become exceptionally aware of how lonely you are. Separated by both language and culture from everyone and everything around you, it's possible to feel loneliness in deeper and rawer ways. But I've discovered that the loneliness I've experienced when living overseas didn't just appear ex nihilo; it was sitting there all along, waiting to be discovered.
The roots of my dissatisfaction, of my feelings of loneliness and isolation, are not found in a lack of people, or in foreign languages or cultures or countries, in being single or married or in a church or small group or sitting alone in a room by myself. My loneliness inevitably arises from both a discontent with self and - here's where it gets really scary - a discontent with God.
As humans, we're wired for community and fellowship And more often than not, God chooses to meet our needs for connection and companionship through other people. But if I try and use other people to fill my needs, I end up doing just that:
Using people.
"When our loneliness drives us away from ourselves into the arms of our companions in life, we are, in fact, driving ourselves into excruciating relationships, tiring friendships and suffocating embraces. To wait for moments or places where no pain exists, no separation is felt and where all human restlessness has turned into inner peace is waiting for a dream-world. No friend or lover, no husband or wife, no community or commune will be able to put to rest our deepest cravings for unity and wholeness."³
I crave connection, intimacy, relationship. But if I'm not finding those things first in God, then I risk using others to fill those needs in ways that are ultimately harmful to both myself and to them. Or, in failing to use other people, I can easily use other things instead. Computers, phones, food, exercise, books, games, and videos are but a small sample of the many ways we try to fill the infinite void with finite things.
Ironically, the best antidote I've discovered⁴ for loneliness is solitude. In learning to be in solitude, with my self and with God, I then have the opportunity to interact with the people I'm with in richer and more meaningful ways. And even if I'm surrounded by people I know and love - as I am, often, both here in Latvia and also in the U.S. - but haven't made time to be with my self and with God, I can quickly succumb to feelings of isolation. Bitterness. Frustration. Annoyance. And of course, loneliness.
Solitude is devoid of loneliness, and frees me to be truly with others around me in ways I otherwise never could.
So yes: I do get lonely. And I'm definitely more aware of those feelings while living overseas than I am at home. But that's not entirely a bad thing, as it's pushed me to find my source of connection and contentment in solitude, rather than in my surroundings. My prayer is that my increased awareness of the loneliness which lurks within will prompt me to scratch that itch with solitude, and not to try and use other people, places, or things to fill a need which is aching to be met by God.⁵
¹Before you get too worried and concerned about my overall well-being: I'm ok. Really, I am. But if you still feel concerned, please send me cookies.
²From Time.com; full article here
³From Reaching Out, by Henri Nouwen. If you've never read anything by Henri Nouwen, please stop reading this and find something - anything - of his and read it. Your life will be better for it.
⁴To say I "discovered" solitude as an antidote it is sort of like saying Columbus "discovered" America. I knew it existed because I heard about it from others, but then I've found it to be true for myself as well.
⁵Who, ironically, often does so through people, places and things.